Come To The Dark Side, We Need A Plumber
by Rossaldinho7
Summary: Something sinister lurks in the toilet bowls of the Empire...


**This was a short scene myself and a friend, Kathryn, wrote for the QMU Drama Society showcase about a year ago. I actually played Vader in the showcase. Anyway, thought I'd put this up, might get a few laughs. Many Star Wars puns.**

 **Disclaimer: Star Wars and anything else you recognise in this play are the properties of their respective owners.**

 _Palpatine is sitting on his chair and lord Vader comes in and kneels_

Palpatine: lord Vader what news have you brought me?

Vader: …

Pal: ( _intimidatingly_ ) this is most unlike you lord Vader, pray tell what has brought this ( _pause_ ) silence upon you, ( _continues before Vader can speak_ ) I hope for your sake it is nothing so small as to trouble the great leader and terror of the empire ( _looking at Vader_ ) it better not be trivial for your sake.

Vader… my lord an integral part of the death stars system has been compromised

Pal: ( _leaning back steeples his fingers)_ this is grave news indeed, what exactly has been compromised?

Vader… my lord one of the facilities regarding the disposal of a certain waste has malfunctioned.

Pal: ( _angry_ ) lord Vader why do you bring such trivial matters to me, this is not worthy of my time. I am most disappointed in you, I fear I may have to..

Vader: ( _interrupting_ ) the toilets have backed up my lord.

Pal: ( _breaking character)_ oh damn not again, really?

Vader: yes my lord all over the floor

Pal: this is the third time today,

Vader: yes my lord

Pal: how can they be backed up for a third time, we just had them fixed? It's preposterous

Vader: ( _to himself_ ) not as preposterous as an exhaust port the size of a photon torpedo built into the death star

Pal: what was that you said? Something about photon torpedoes?

Vader: nothing my lord

Pal: my expertise in armaments may be strong but I fear we need an expert in an altogether murkier field

Vader: what kind of expert my lord?

Pal: a master of the vile and nasty creations from the depths of sentinel bodies, we need…. A plumber

Vader: shall I call the regular man my lord?

Pal: force no he was the one who got us here

Vader: shall I find one my lord?

Pal: ( _noticing lord Vader still on knee_ ) ….you're still on your knees? Rise just rise I can't deal with this at the moment, go get the galactic index

 _Vader rises stiffly rubbing his knees, Vader goes off stage comes back with yellow pages flicking through_

Pal: anyone in the nearby?

Vader: the closest is one called Mario… but his description says will only take mushrooms as credit

Pal: good thing we own a mushroom world

Vader: Kashyyyk?

Pal: yes that planet with the walking doormats

Vader: his number is 330 000012

 _Pal pulls out old brick phone_

Pal: ( _angry_ ) Darth Plagueis's bane, no reception

Vader: must be your phone my lord it's an old model

Pal: nonsense it the newest one

Vader: 10 decades ago, this in the newest model

 _Vader pulls out black iphone_

Vader: it even has holo net

Pal: ( _grumbling_ ) you young people and your new gadgets

 _Vader hand phone to palpatine, palpatine frowns_

Pal: blast this new technology it doesn't work ( _playing with phone_ )

Vader: what's wrong my lord? You have to press call

Pal: your damn phone needs me to do this insane challenge to get it to work

Vader:…challenge?

Pal; yes it seem like I have to make this bird creature fly through thin gaps..

Vader: that's flappy bird master

Pal: flappy bird, what's that?...it's rather addicting actually… ( _Frustrated_ ) blast it hit a pipe

Vader: if you please my lord I'll call the plumber

Pal: fine

 _Hands Vader phone, Vader puts in number, hands phone back_

Pal: good

 _Holds phone to ear and waits_

…

Vader: is it ringing?

Pal: ( _annoyed_ ) yes of course it is, its…ah he picked up, ( _speaking menacingly)_ this is the emperor of the galaxy there is a service I require from…what? ( _surprised/angry_ ) Inconceivable?!

Vader: what is it my lord?

Pal: he's not in, it's an answering machine…I think…it says he's not there, he's…looking for a princess in a castle?

Vader: if it pleases you my lord, you can leave a message

Pal: no, now that I think of it a plumber chasing princesses with a mushroom obsession is not the one to solve our problem, if anything he will just make a mushroom farm in the mess. It's not worth it

Vader: what shall we do my lord?

Pal: who else is on the list?

Vader: there are a few more but they all seem to work for Mario or marked as 'extortionate'

Pal: the situation is getting worse if we don't find someone to fix this then the whole death star operation will…

Vader: ( _interrupting_ ) my lord there is one other number

Pal: what does it say?

Vader: it belongs to an organic waste disposal manager

Pal: organic?

Vader: there's nothing else it says, one needs to phone them

Pal: then phone them

 _Vader puts the number into the phone_

Pal: its ringing, wait its?...ah yes..(Menacingly) I am the emperor of the galaxy, I require your services. Your services are stated as organic waste disposal management?...yes...ah that's agreeable…yes that will do very well. I require several…where?...the death star in sector suspicious, in quadrant dangerous coordinates, 42,42,42. Yes?...tomorrow? Excellent. I await it with great anticipation. _Ends call_

Vader: the situation has been solved?

Pal: yes this man owns a Dianoga farm, they are bred to eat shit and generally deal with your waste so you don't have to.

Vader: once again your resourcefulness has proven to be inspirational…where will they live?

Pal: well after they have dealt with the toilets they can live in the garbage chutes, that way they will save us innumerable hours on waste disposal

Vader: brilliant my lord I see why you're the emperor

Pal: yes indeed

…

Vader: won't a creature in the garbage chute cause a problem if someone falls in?

Pal: of course not who in the whole galaxy would be mad enough to fall into a garbage chute?


End file.
